I haven’t talked about dating in a while. Before I was married, it was a topic I discussed often. Recently, I’ve noticed an influx of clients who are single and navigating the world of modern dating, almost all carrying the belief that dating is harder now than it was in the past.

Knowing what I do about the power of perspective and the meaning we assign to our experiences, I wonder what would happen if we shifted the narrative from “dating is harder now” to “dating is different now.” How might that change the way we approach dating and the results we get?

Let’s take a quick walk through history for some perspective.

In the late 1990s and early 2000s, Sex and the City portrayed dating before social media, dating apps, and smartphones took over our lives. The experiences were surprisingly similar to what many people encounter today. Maybe they didn’t call it ghosting, but not getting a phone call after a date feels pretty equivalent.

The belief that “all the good men are gay or taken” was thrown around just as much then as it is now.

As women have become more financially independent, their criteria for an ideal partner has naturally evolved. They no longer need a partner for financial security, which means they can prioritize qualities such as emotional intelligence, compatibility, shared values, and personal growth. While that’s a positive shift, it also narrows the dating pool. From a man’s perspective, that can feel like a lot of competition.

Now let’s go back about 100 years, when dating as we know it was first beginning to emerge. Unsupervised courtship and group outings became more common for working-class couples. People met at restaurants, dance halls, theaters, and community gatherings. For the first time, there was greater emphasis on falling in love rather than simply finding a socially approved match.

Let’s go even further back.

For my fellow Bridgerton fans, it’s easy to romanticize the elegance and intentionality of courtship during that era. What we often forget is how deeply families and social status influenced those relationships.

Imagine if your dating app only allowed you to filter based on social class, family connections, religion, gender, age, and a woman’s perceived purity status. Those were often the factors that determined compatibility.

Love was secondary. Practicality came first.

If you happened to meet your own Bridgerton willing to challenge those rules, consider yourself lucky.

So, taking all of that into account, is dating actually harder now?

In many ways, we have more freedom than any generation before us. We can choose partners regardless of race, religion, location, socioeconomic status, or family expectations.

And therein lies the challenge of our time.

We have more options than ever before.

Combine that with a fear of commitment, the pressure to make the “right” choice, and the anxiety of ending up in a failed relationship, and it’s easy to see why so many people feel overwhelmed.

The strategy for dating has changed. Society relies heavily on technology, and dating is no exception. Dating apps, social media, and instant communication have transformed how people meet and connect.

The real work isn’t learning how to swipe more effectively.

The real work is not allowing failed dates or unsuccessful relationships to define your worth.

The real work is healing the wounds that may be sabotaging your relationships, learning your patterns, identifying your red flags, maintaining healthy boundaries, and not allowing strong feelings to override good judgment.

Most importantly, when you find someone who is genuinely a good match, be willing to commit.

One of the greatest predictors of a successful long-term relationship isn’t finding the perfect person. It’s the willingness of two imperfect people to consistently choose each other.

A strong marriage exists, in part, because both people have decided they are no longer searching for another option.

There will always be someone more attractive, more successful, more adventurous, or seemingly more compatible. If you spend your life looking for the next best thing, you’ll never fully invest in what is right in front of you.

Every relationship requires work.

Be intentional from the beginning. Put your best self forward. Choose wisely. Heal what needs healing. Learn how to communicate effectively.

And when you find someone worth building with, stop searching and start investing.

Dating isn’t necessarily harder than it used to be.

It’s just different.

The skills required to succeed have changed, but the goal remains the same: finding someone you can build a meaningful life with.